


A Beautiful Day for an Identity Crisis

by hTeDruknenPotaT



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Established Relationship, Flowers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Identity, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Nonbinary Crona (Soul Eater), Other, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27922093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hTeDruknenPotaT/pseuds/hTeDruknenPotaT
Summary: Maka and Crona go on a peaceful date where they pick flowers, watch butterflies, discuss past traumas, and watch the sun set.Crona gets to say fuck, they deserve it.
Relationships: Maka Albarn/Crona
Comments: 9
Kudos: 66





	A Beautiful Day for an Identity Crisis

**Author's Note:**

> Rated T for heavy topics discussed, such as gender dysphoria and past abuse. The abuse is not gone into in detail, but it's Crona, so, yknow.
> 
> This can be read as a sequel to my other Croma fic where there's a very fluffy love confession, check that out!

Maka stared absently up at the sun. It stared somewhere above her, gazing languidly past the horizon. The day was cooling, and the sun seemed like it was starting to finish up for the day. The day had seemed to slip by before Maka had finally decided to do something with it. Only because she couldn't stand staying in for another minute.

She felt fingers brush against hers. Maka looked away from the sun, she saw Crona blush and turn away. Smiling, she took their hand, entwining the fingers. Crona gripped her hand back. They smiled down at the ground.

"Come on," Maka said, hurrying her pace.

"Where do you want to go? Into town?"

"No, I feel like going somewhere a little quieter."

She'd gone out for some quiet. Some space and clearer air. An hour ago she'd been jogging in an annoyed frenzy, finding herself heading to the school despite herself. She was surprised to find Crona's room deserted. She hadn't taken that as a sign. Instead, she found herself hurrying toward Professor Stein's place. He wasn't home, which was why Crona was sitting comfortably in his living room, having tea with Miss Marie. Seeing them so happy made Maka's heart lift. It was hard not to be infected, seeing their smile.

She led the way to the park, toward the grassy field. "It's nicer out now," Crona commented. "I went out earlier... it was too bright."

"Did you go out walking?"

"I went to see how Miss Marie was. And... if she was home alone."

"What would do if Professor Stein was there?"

Crona laughed nervously. "You know..."

"No, I don't know."

"Play dead?"

Maka raised her eyebrows. "I don't believe you."

"I've thought about it," Crona said seriously. "But if I was dead... then what reason would Doctor Stein have for leaving my body alone? He's a scientist, and I'm..."

Ragnarok emerged quietly and hissed, "A scientist's wet dream."

"Ragnarok, shut the fuck up," said Crona, pupils contracting. Ragnarok deflated like a balloon, and disappeared. Maka hid a chuckle behind her free hand.

Crona had seen a weird spike in confidence since they'd started going out. Maka was proud, but it was strange, to come over and find that Crona wasn't there. They'd been going out on their own sometimes. Not at night, not lately. They hadn't said why. Maka had been fine walking them home. More often than not, Crona would stay over. It was more cozy to spend the night in her apartment than for Maka to stay in the school dungeon. She didn't like to spend much time there. Even Crona seemed to be growing less comfortable there. So they'd been going out more. Visiting her during the day, showing up with flowers they'd picked. Her apartment was full of them now. Too full.

"Ragnarok's not allowed to come out when we're alone together," Crona explained.

"Well, we're not..." Were they alone? Maka could hear shouts in the distance, some kids playing, friends calling out to each other. But this far out, crowds were starting to dwindle. "You know what, you tell him!"

Maka pulled Crona further out. They followed limply behind until Maka found a nice, warm spot, just under the sun's gaze. "Let's sit here!"

"But there's some flowers over there..." Crona pointed. Maka looked. There were some purple and yellow wildflowers... And Maka had dozens of them dying in her bedroom. She hadn't had the heart to throw them out. "They would look nice in your room."

Maka laughed reluctantly. "I... I already have so many..." Maka tried to think past Crona's soft smile. If Crona could be assertive for her sake, she'd have to start sticking up for herself and being honest. "How about..." _Oh!_ "How about, um... you put some in your room instead? It could use some livening up! It's still really bare, you know?"

"Hm. I suppose."

Maka squeezed their hand. "Come on, it'll be fun!"

They hurried to the flower patch, laughing as they ran. When they stopped, a butterfly launched into the air. It fluttered around them. Crona gave a start as it brushed against their nose. "What is it doing," Crona asked. It finally landed, settling into Crona's hair. "Why is it on me?"

Crona's hair was the same pink as the petals it had taken off from. "It thinks you're a flower." She stood up on her toes. She kissed Crona softly. Crona blinked. Then they kissed her back.

They settled in the grass, kissing while bees buzzed around them. It was quiet and peaceful and perfect. When they pulled away, Maka just watched Crona pick flowers off the ground and weave them together.

"Are you making something?" Maka asked.

"I want to make you a necklace."

Maka thought of the smell of the flowers on her dresser that were turning brown, but she couldn't refuse Crona. At least it was nice to watch. It was partly her own fault that she couldn't throw the flowers away. Some part of her always felt guilty. Like Crona would fall apart just like those dying flowers. They had been doing so much better lately, but anything could happen. Maka wasn't sure what. Crona was hard to say no to, but that couldn't be a good thing.

"Hey," she said, breaking the perfect quiet.

Crona looked up. "Hm?"

"Do you..." _No,_ she decided, _there's no point._

"Do I what?"

Maka wished she hadn't spoken. "Never mind. It's not you."

"Is something bothering you?"

"Yeah. Soul." Well, mainly Spirit, but what else was new?

"What did he do?"

Maka regretted talking again. "It was... stupid. I probably got madder than I should have." Her fist curled around a patch of grass. She ripped it out. "My dad did something obnoxious, and he..." Maka didn't know how to tell them. "Well, Soul didn't discourage it!"

"Did you tell him how you feel?" Crona asked.

"Of course I told him."

Crona paused, gathering their thoughts. "I think it'll be okay," they finally said. "I don't know what happened, but Soul doesn't seem like the kind of person who just starts fights. He probably didn't mean to make you upset."

“Yeah, I know.” Crona was perceptive. They were right. She’d torn a bald patch into the dirt. She didn’t want to think about this right now. “Well... who cares anyway.”

“I care.”

Maka smiled. “Your day seemed like it was really nice,” she said. “I wanna hear about that instead.”

Nothing had really happened, nothing interesting at least, Crona didn’t know what to say. But Maka enjoyed listening anyway. Crona was always a good listener. Maka scooched closer. She lay on her side, resting her hand in the middle of Crona’s chest, right next to their heart. Medusa’s arrow had just missed it. She felt it beat beneath her, reminding her that Crona was still there. Alive. She focused on the feel of their heart after Crona had trailed off. 

“I feel kind of bad,” Maka said when the silence began to stretch. “You always let me talk... but I still don’t know that much about you.”

“It’s probably better that you don’t. I don’t wanna make you depressed.”

“I can deal with it.”

“B-but, if you want to know, then... What do you want to know?”

It was as good of a time as any. “We’ve been going out for two months now,” Maka said, “and... I still don’t know if you’re a boy or a girl.”

It was weird to ask. But she hadn’t even known Crona’s name until their final battle. “That’s, um... a good question.” Crona pulled away, hugging their knees, face stretched into an awkward smile.

“Well, um...” How complicated could it be? “You know...”

“I don’t. I don’t know.”

 _Didn’t... know?_ Maka hadn’t considered that possibility. This put her in a really complicated position. “Well,” she said, pushing herself back to a sitting position, “mammals... typically, um... carry different reproductive roles... And gender usually corresponds to those roles...” Her hands were doing something obscene. Her cheeks burned. “Either carrying a baby or contributing genetic material—”

“I know all that!” Crona shouted. They hid their face behind their knees.

“Oh!” Maka wanted to hide her face, too. “Well then... you know...”

“I don’t know,” Crona said again. Their voice was muffled behind their knees. “I don’t know... how normal I am.”

Maka reached out, then hesitated. “I can’t just... look at other people with their clothes off and compare myself to them. That would be really really weird!”

“We could look at diagrams,” Maka suggested. Maybe that wasn’t helpful. Maybe that wasn’t what the issue was. “How do you feel, inside?”

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” Crona mumbled. “I don’t really get what the difference is. If you feel a certain way based on what your body can do, how are you supposed to feel if you... don’t know?”

“I’m not sure.” Maka had never thought about it much. It had never really mattered to her.

Crona peeked out from behind their knees. “I’m sorry. I wish I knew how to answer you.”

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

“Does it... bother you?”

 _No,_ Maka wanted to say. _It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I decided that before I even knew I had. I know that I love you, and that’s all I need to know._ But there was the matter of everyone else. “It didn’t used to,” she admitted.

“But it does now?” Crona’s eyes widened. “Oh. You’re... having those thoughts, too?”

“Huh?” _What thoughts?_

“Someday. I-I do want to be with you... I promise. Not now, I can’t deal with that right now.” Crona’s fingers tightened around their robe. “If you still want to.”

 _Oh._ Crona’s cheeks were very red. Maka’s felt redder. “No, I don’t— I mean— someday, yes! I-it doesn’t have to be now, whenever we’re ready—” This was a weird conversation to have now! It was even weirder to have outside. Maka felt very exposed. “No, that’s not what I... Ugh...” How was she supposed to put this? “It really doesn’t matter.”

“It does. You said it was bothering you now.”

Maka wished she hadn’t said anything. “I didn’t want to bring it up,” she said. “I didn’t want to freak you out. It’s not worth freaking out about.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me anything,” Crona murmured. They released their robe. Picked up a flower. Fiddled with its petals. “It’ll just make me spend every moment second guessing everything. You can be honest with me, Maka. I... want you to be.”

“Okay,” Maka sighed. “I’m sorry. But... I promise it’s not that bad. I didn’t even wonder at first...” Until things had died down. Until the the warmth and excitement of being with Crona had faded to a comfortable glow, and the world came back. “It’s just... for some reason, it seems to matter a lot to everyone else. Last week, Black Star asked me—” She could remember exactly how he said it. “So, are you two dykes?”

Crona laughed nervously.

“He wasn’t being mean, just himself. But apparently, Patty gave him that idea. That means other people are talking like it’s any of their business.”

“Wow... I-I’m really not used to that...”

“It’s what pissed me off so bad this morning! My dad called me to tell me he’s proud of me and that he’ll love me no matter what! I didn’t need to hear that!” _That didn’t sound like a bad thing._ “I mean... he told me, ‘You don’t have to keep anything from your papa, you can love whoever you want!’ As though I need his permission!”

“I... I don’t understand how that’s bad.”

“Because he called me just to say he _accepts_ me. And... why would I need that? There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with _being_ with you! And... why should you being a boy or a girl make a difference? There are so many other things, and _that’s_ what people choose to fixate on?”

“Yeah... they could fixate on me being the demon sword instead...”

Maka didn’t want to admit it, but that had been her first worry. Before anything else, she had wondered what people would say about Crona’s past. But it wasn’t even the first thing people brought up. Which reminded her of what kind of world they lived in. “It wouldn’t matter to me. It _doesn’t_ matter to me, except that for some reason, what kind of person _you_ are seems to say even more about what kind of person _I_ am. It’s such a dumb question. But it seems to matter a lot to everyone. It’s like... depending on the answer, they’ll see me differently.”

“I’m sorry,” Crona said.

“You shouldn’t be.”

“I... I think your friends _want_ to support you. They’re trying to tell you, but it winds up coming out... bad.”

“Still, it’s obnoxious.” She picked a flower and ripped the head off. “I hung up on my father. I complained to Soul about him. About how he made _such a point_ to let me know what a great guy he was by insisting he’d still support me even if I was a lesbian.” The horror. “After I told Soul that, the first thing he asked me was, _‘Are you?’_ It made me so mad!”

“Oh... That’s what you were fighting about...”

Maka nodded. It didn’t make her feel any better to say it. “I _know_ you’re right, I _know_ he meant well. But still!” She dug back into the grass. “He should have known his timing couldn’t be worse! His head’s so thick he needs a dictionary to get through his skull.”

"You shouldn't hit him," Crona said softly. "You shouldn't hurt your friends." Maka's fingers loosened on the grass. She uncurled her fists. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to apologize, but Crona wasn't the one she'd hit with a dictionary. What could she tell them, _Oh, Soul doesn't mind it!_ It just didn't sound good, no matter how she thought about it. 

"I guess... I can be a little on the defensive sometimes. My childhood wasn’t easy.” Crona’s childhood was worse, though. “I had to be tough in order to get through everything... I could throw a book at my dad when I was mad at him. When I met Soul, he seemed so cool.” 

Someone who could easily survive a book to the head without a scratch. “But I’m not that helpless little girl anymore. I’m stronger than I know. I’ll... I’m gonna work on that.”

“Yeah,” Crona muttered, “you’re better than that.”

Was she? Maybe Crona didn’t realize how short her temper could be. “I just remember being little and watching how my mom dealt with the divorce. She was tough as nails. I wanted to be just like her.”

“Did your mother hit your father?”

The question sent a lurch through Maka’s heart. “She used her words. But he had it coming. He wasn’t innocent.”

The sun’s eyes drooped as it touched the horizon. Maka hugged her knees. Reluctantly, she cracked a smile, realizing they were both sitting curled up like a couple of roly polies. She reached for Crona’s hand. “My mama’s a good person. I wish I knew how to make her sound better to you.”

“I guess I’d have to be there...”

“You’ll meet her someday. Then you’ll see for yourself.” She gripped Crona’s hand. They looked sideways at her. “My childhood’s pretty messy. I can’t say it made me perfect. I’m not completely proud of how I turned out. I’ve made mistakes.”

“So have I.” Crona began to smile.

“But you’re right, I can be better.”

“You’re not _totally_ perfect,” Crona agreed, “but... I don’t think anything could make me stop being in love with you. In fact... you’re a good person. I can tell you anything.”

“You can,” Maka promised. She leaned her head against their shoulder. Their face wasn’t radiating heat, it was just the setting sun that was making it glow. 

“Then I guess I should tell you...” Crona paused, gathering their thoughts. “I wish I could tell you. I wish I could be sure. About... how I feel. It’s hard... to answer questions. It’s not like I’ve never thought before... a-about what you asked me.” Their brows knitted together. “Before I met you... and made friends... I used to talk to myself a lot. When I didn’t have anyone to talk to, I asked myself questions to keep my mind intact. But even when it was just me... it was so hard to answer.”

Crona paused long enough for Maka to speak up, “I’m surprised. You’re really good with words.”

“I was so good at asking the questions. But even if I knew... I couldn’t deal with answering them. It just felt too presumptuous to think I was sure about anything. That was why...” Maka could feel the blush now. “You probably don’t remember... but when you asked me my name, I— I was able to answer. I didn’t even hesitate. You asked me, and in that moment... I knew who I was.”

 _Demon swordsman Crona._ Maka remembered. It hadn’t seemed like a big deal to her. Not at all.

“With Lady Medusa, it didn’t matter who I was. Boy... or girl... I was just a tool. It didn’t matter.” They started shaking. Maka gripped their body tight. Rage washed over her. She wished she could make Crona forget everything. “Who even cared about... r-reproduction? If Lady Medusa wanted me for that... if Lady Medusa needed my body... f-for that... then...” Crona sucked in a shaky breath. They freed one arm from Maka’s grip to wipe their nose. “Then what my body was useful for... th-that’s all that would matter.”

“That’s fucked,” Maka whispered. “That is so _fucked!”_ She remembered how Medusa had talked about Crona. Calling them _it._ She knew that Crona wasn’t exaggerating. She wondered how low Medusa would have stooped if it came to... _that._ Whatever she could think of, Medusa would take it a step lower, she didn’t doubt that.

“Carrier... donator... That wouldn’t answer any questions about how... well... what that would mean about identity or something... Only how I could be useful.”

“I’m sorry,” Maka muttered. It was all she could say.

“There’s nothing you should be sorry about. When it’s you... When I’m with you, I... I feel the most like a person. Even when we were fighting, you made me feel so sure of who I was.”

 _Even back then..._ “So if we fought again, would that help?” She smiled to let them know that was a joke. “Think it would jog anything?”

“I don’t know. Probably not.”

“Well... maybe someday, you’ll figure it out. You don’t need to have all the answers. Not right away. Even I don’t know everything about myself. Lately, I’ve been surprising myself a lot.”

“Then I guess... it’s not so strange?”

Their gaze was so earnest. Maka smiled encouragingly. “I said it doesn’t matter to me. But what that really means is, I don’t need to know it right away. And when you do figure it out, it won’t change how I feel about you. I’ll just understand you a little better." She tilted her head to kiss their cheek. "There’s no rush.”

“You mean that?”

“Of course I mean it. I’m not gonna lie to you.”

Crona wiped their eyes. “I’m glad,” they whispered. “I was nervous to talk about it... But I’m glad I did now. Thank you, Maka. Thank you for listening.”

“Of course. Any time! Whenever you’re ready... we’ll figure it out together.”

Crona sighed. They leaned their head on Maka’s. “I feel so much lighter.”

“Then that’s the only important thing. If people ask any more annoying questions, I’m just gonna ask them why it matters so much.”

“Are you going to make up with Soul?”

“Yeah,” Maka decided. It was a stupid thing to get mad about. If she just talked instead of immediately slamming a book into his head, he’d understand. Crona was right, Soul would never make her mad on purpose. He liked to tease her, but sometimes he just didn’t know.

“I’m glad. He’s really good to you.”

“Yeah. He’s a good friend. And he likes you.”

“He does?” Crona’s voice squeaked.

“Mm hm! He understands how important you are to me.” He would tease sometimes. Well, he teased a lot lately. But they lived together, what she did with Crona in their shared living space was his business whether she liked it or not. “He came with me, you know. When I went after Medusa, he ran after me. I was only able to find you because he helped me clear my head.”

“Th-that’s good. S-sometimes...”

“Yeah. Sometimes I need someone to snap me out of it. That’s... one of the things I’ve been realizing about myself lately.”

Crona pressed their cheek against her head. They wrapped their arms around her shoulders. “I like that about you. When you want to do something, nothing can stop you. I want to be more like you that way.”

“I could be more like _you,”_ said Maka. “You don’t realize how brave you are.”

“I can be brave for you. When it’s for you... I don’t hesitate so much.”

Maka remembered how fast the arrow had gone through them. That split second had lasted an eternity. She didn’t want that to happen again. Not ever. She moved her hand back to their heart to feel that steady beat. “We both have a long way to go.”

“I’ll be with you. When you’re ready. If you... even when you aren’t sure of yourself... I can be there for you.”

“Yeah. Thank you.” The last ray of the sun slipped past the horizon. “I was worried... but I’m glad I talked to you. Maybe you don’t know, but you also make me feel more sure of myself. You’re always trying to do the right thing. And that helps me realize what’s important.” Before Crona, Maka had been such a stickler for the rules. Rules didn’t matter anymore. If the rules were wrong, Maka would do what was right.

They sat in silence. They’d both said enough. Maka was tired. She wasn’t angry anymore, or nervous. She was content to just sit there, watching the shadows get longer. Finally she asked, “Want to come home with me?”

Crona nodded. They both stood. Hand in hand, they walked back through the field.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very much on team nb Crona but I don't think their experience would be analogous to a typical trans experience. They've got a fucked up sense of identity. But I headcanon that once they grow more comfortable with themself, they start identifying with the nb label, finding a sense of identity in a nonbinary gender rather than a lack thereof.
> 
> I love writing supportive and somewhat assertive Crona! It's interesting to me to explore how they'd grow independently after having a lot of time to heal. Also, Maka, stop beating your friends, I know you're a girl in a shounen anime but stop abusing your tool.
> 
> I'm obsessed, so talk croma with me on my tumblr @zeezeepearl!


End file.
